New Documentary About Energy Drinks is Pretty Sick, Bro

Coming soon to theaters and iPhones is “SLAM JUICE!”, a sick-ass documentary about the energy drink industry and all the green it rakes in. A couple o’ hotties,  Jenny How and Teresa O’Reilly, made this movie to reveal all the cool shit and all the bullshit that energy drinks have had on our country. Basically, they’re trying to answer the question: “Bro, why would you ever drink that? It tastes like someone added Robitussin to seltzer and there’s not enough protein in it.” 

The film starts with this crazy animation about how Gatorade started in Florida, which is like the first ever energy drink, but definitely not the best one. Then, the movie starts going through all the decades in like a montage thing, and it shows how all these other energy drinks got started like Red Bull, Monster, and some protein shakes. There’s a ton of songs by Guns ‘n Axl Rose and fuckin’ Yeezy when this part is happening. 

After that, the movie talks about energy drinks all over the world and it’s some fucked up shit, bro. There’s one in Russia called “Testicle Boost” and in Singapore, they have an energy drink where you drink the piss of a cobra and that’s nuts dude because I didn’t know cobras peed! LMAO! I would do it, though.

OK, so then after that the movie starts interviewing a buncha hipster-like dudes who wear suspenders and they’re sitting on a porch. They’re talking about how they make their own craft energy drinks and it’s pretty chill. There’s, like, an underground market for this shit like in that movie with what’s-his-name? He’s Asian. I forgot. One of the craft energy drinks is called “Rocket Brain” and another one is called “Liquid Meth Ade” and it’s controversial.

OK, so this is what one of the chicks who made the movie said:

“Ultimately, we wanted to explore the history of energy drinks and why people are drawn to them,” commented O’Reilly. “Is it the marketing? Is it because they don’t like coffee? Or is it because every time you drink an energy drink your mind and body are ignoring its natural chemistry in order to legally freak out as your digestive tract screams for you to stop drinking them, but it’s too late because now you have diarrhea at this music festival featuring an odd assortment of artists from Tori Amos to Pusha T.”

That’s pretty fuckin’ smart! You think she likes me?

SLAM JUICE will be in theaters next Friday, and will begin streaming on NetFlix in August.


Published by NOSHKONG

A food blog. Kinda.

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