Our 6 Favorite Apps that Remind Us We’re Out-of-Shape Pieces of Shit

Science has shown that most of us can’t go 40 seconds without looking at our phones. You’re looking at yours right now for crying out loud. I mean, Jesus, take a break and experience what it’s like to feel something.

Anyway, because of our obsession with phones, more and more people are downloading apps to maintain a balanced lifestyle. And then there’s everyone else. The following are our favorite apps that defy the sound logic and reasoning of diet and exercise and instead point out how you might’ve lost out in the gene pool. 

1. CalorieBitch

Look out! It’s Calorie Bitch! This fun and stupid app allows you to input your calories throughout the day, but with a twist. Each time you try to get sneaky and enter “handful of Skittles” or “2 bites of a cheesesteak” it sends a text to one of your exes from your phone that says “Hey”.

2. Wheeze

Wheeze combines modern technology with your developing asthma to really deliver results. Simply sync the app with your iPhone or Android device.  When you climb a flight of stairs, exert too much energy from walking, or if you simply can’t sit still without uncontrollably wheezing, the app will estimate how many cheeseburgers away you are from being bedridden the rest of your life.

3. O-B-City

This app doesn’t have much to do with health or diet. It’s just a comprehensive guide to Houston, Texas.

4. Healf!

There’s health…and then there’s Healf! This app walks you through many exercises you can do to stay in shape, then provides which foods to immediately eat afterward in order to kill any progress you might have made. Some of our faves include “100 crunches — 10 Nestle Crunch bars” and “Bicep curls — Cheese curls”.

5. Death by Fitness

Death by Fitness is not exactly what the title suggests. In fact, there is no fitness involved at all. Once the app is downloaded, you sync your bank account with Death by Fitness. Every month, an automatic payment will be deducted that is equivalent to what you would spend on a gym membership. They will do this until you die and there is nothing you can do to stop them.

6. Flab

Co-created by the same development team who released similar apps like “Bald” and “Old”, Flab is an app that inspires you to take selfies and compare them to pictures of you from 5, 10, or 20 years ago. Your choice! Share your faves with the Flab community, or stare longingly at the comparisons and wonder why time is a harsh and unforeseen beast that evaded your youthful thinking!


Published by NOSHKONG

A food blog. Kinda.

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