This $300 Coffee Machine Will Finally Make You Interesting

In the ever-growing market of Shit We Don’t Need, the Gevalia company has unleashed their brand new “Ansia” coffee machine. The model is a part of their Piango line of coffee machines that have slowly been revolutionizing what it means to be a coffee drinker with no other real interests.

The Ansia will most certainly be the talk of your kitchen at your next dinner party, social gathering, or pissing contest. It boasts of features not seen anywhere else and the fine, Italian craftsmanship sets it far and above any other piece of crap you might’ve overpaid for.

For starters, the Ansia comes equipped with a bean grinder built right the fuck in to that shit, so you can spill whatever amount of Guatemalan Mountain blend into your machine and grind it to your liking. Choose from multiple settings like fine, course, PhD candidate, or Recovering Alcoholic at 3 in the Morning.

With a complex brewing system where water gets spilled in, then it goes into the thingy that heats it up, and then after that it goes somewhere else until finally passing through your coffee grounds for a deliciously brewed mug of hyperjuice, the Ansia will not only get you ready for the day, but will surely insure you to talk endlessly about it on dates.

Other features include inbuilt Wi-Fi so you can stand by the machine all alone in your apartment and Tweet things like “Waiting for my coffee so I can become human again LOL”. The Ansia also has a built-in camera with some fancy pixel count or depth light thing-a-mabob.

The Ansia also contains these features:

  • Bluetooth speaker and pre-loaded playlist of Erykah Badu, Sam Smith, the Lumineers, and a bunch of chillwave stuff our intern thought was good!
  • Compact-size mirror so you can longingly watch yourself become optimistic for the next few hours!
  • Available in colors like “Front Lawn Green”, “Cheetah Gold”, “Syrian Refugee” and “Blind Affirmation” to really spark conversation!   
  • A warranty of some sort!

Order your Ansia from Gevalia online at their website or visit any one of their retailers.  

Published by NOSHKONG

A food blog. Kinda.

One thought on “This $300 Coffee Machine Will Finally Make You Interesting

  1. I wasn’t sure, but the warranty of some sort really sold me. Now I will be able to have fascinating conversations about my coffee machine warranty.


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